Title: Fertility

Author: Cheysuli ( cheysuli@gvtc.com )

Pairing: Gimli/Legolas

Rating: PG-13

Warning: Mentioned Mpreg. Humor.

Summary: Legolas and Gimli want a baby and work hard, perhaps a bit too hard, to get it. Written for the ‘Padding the Pages’ challenge at Characters In Bloom.

Disclaimer: If I owned them, I’d be making slashy sex videos. Do you see any videos? No? Well, then I don’t own them.

Feedback: Yes. Send to cheysuli@gvtc.com

Beta: Chelsea

Author’s Notes: I don’t know if they had pregnancy tests in Middle-Earth but since our world had them as early as 1350 BC, I’m going to assume they did.

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“Legolas, you forgot to drink your tea.”

Legolas bit back a curse as he stared longingly at the bed before turning his attention to his lover. Today had been a long, full day and all Legolas wanted to do was sleep, but apparently Gimli would have none of it. He had hoped the dwarf would have forgotten; just this once; but unfortunately Dwarves had annoyingly sharp memories.

Gimli stood at the foot of the bed, a firm expression on his face and a mug of steaming tea in his hand. He frowned at Legolas and moved closer, holding the mug out to the elf. “Drink.”

Legolas pouted and gazed pleadingly at his lover. “Please, Gimli. Not tonight; I’m too tired,” he whined, sitting on the edge of their bed. “One night can’t hurt.”

Gimli sighed and sat the mug on the bedside table. “I’m sorry, Legolas, but Lord Elrond says you must take it each night to increase your fertility,” he said, sitting next to Legolas and wrapping an arm around the elf’s waist. “Only a few more nights, love.”

Legolas groaned. “You have been saying that for the last two months!”

Gimli only nodded. For four months now, they had been trying to have a child, without success. They had tried everything anyone suggested: positions, tests, examinations, and most recently, herbal teas. But for some reason, no matter how hard they tried, Legolas had yet to conceive.

Lord Elrond could not explain it. Mirkwood elves were renowned for their fertility; they usually had children popping out of the woodwork. The healer just couldn’t find a reason for the couple’s problem.

Seeing that Gimli wasn’t anywhere near backing down, Legolas scowled at the dwarf, grabbed the now lukewarm potion, and downed it in one swallow. “There; are you happy now?” he snapped, trying hard not to gag at the foul taste. “Can I sleep now?”

Gimli nodded and took the mug back from Legolas, placing it on the table. “For a few hours, yes,” he said, watching as Legolas crawled angrily under the covers and turned away from him. He sighed and blew out the lantern that sat on the table before climbing in next to his lover.

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Legolas was in a foul mood this morning; it was obvious even from a distance. The young elf’s mood was so foul that Elrond was slightly afraid to get within an arm’s reach of his patient. ’Valar, exactly how many times did Gimli wake him up last night?’ the healer wondered, inching his way closer to Legolas, who was mumbling physically impossible curses under his breath.

“How are you this morning, Legolas?” he asked, finally standing just a few feet away from the blond elf.

Legolas paused his muttering and scowled up at the older elf. “I am sore and I am tired; and if you give me anymore of that sludge you call tea, it and Gimli are going out the window.”

Elrond paused at hearing the venom in the young elf’s voice. ‘I’d really hate to be Gimli right now,’ he thought, thanking the Valar he had managed to convince the dwarf to wait in the hall. “No more teas; I promise,” Elrond said, bravely placing his hand on his patient’s shoulder. “Just a few more tests.”

Legolas glared at him, then at the hand on his shoulder. Feeling the young elf tense, Elrond quickly snatched his hand away before it could be harmed. ‘Note to self,’ Elrond thought, nervously rubbing his wrist. ‘Never touch a moody patient.’

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After hours of tests, of poking and prodding, and of temperature checks, Elrond finally stepped away from his patient and motioned for Legolas to get dressed. Wincing slightly, he walked over to a nearby mirror and inspected the bruise that was slowly forming on his left check. He had accidentally poked when he should have prodded and hadn’t been fast enough to escape an annoyed Legolas’ slap.

At least one good thing had come out of this day, when he had finally exhausted nearly every fertility test he could think of. He finally suspected what was wrong.

He really couldn't figure out why he hadn’t thought of this sooner; it would have saved everyone a lot of grief. Shaking his head, he turned back to Legolas, who was now staring impatiently at him. “You may leave, Legolas. Would you please send Gimli in? I need to speak with him.”

Legolas nodded and with one last miserable glance at Elrond, turned and left the room.

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After nearly half an hour of waiting in the hall for his husband, Legolas was called back in the healing room. When he entered, he went immediately to his husband’s side, frowning curiously at Elrond’s smirk and Gimli’s nervous fidgeting. “What is it, Elrond?” he asked, seeing as neither were about to speak up.

Elrond bit his lip to keep from laughing when he noticed how Gimli was slowly inching away from Legolas. He waited a moment to allow the dwarf to reach a safe distance before he answered the young elf. “I’ve discovered the reason why you haven’t conceived,” he said proudly, mentally preparing himself for the next few moments.

Legolas smiled happily. “You know what’s wrong with me? Can you fix it?” he asked before glancing quickly at his husband, who was whimpering for some reason. “Why are you way over there, Gimli?”

Gimli clear his throat and tried to make it look like he was not trying to climb out the window. “I’m just a bit hot, love. Don’t mind me,” he said before leaning out the window, attempting to calculate the distance to the ground and wondering if he could survive such a fall.

Confused, Legolas turned back to the healer. “Well, Elrond? Can you fix what’s wrong with me?”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, Legolas,” Elrond answered, smiling as he saw Gimli give up on escaping out the window. Seeing Legolas confused expression, he continued “As for fixing the problem, all Gimli has to do is drink some herbal ‘sludge,’ as you put it, every night for a week or two,” he said, grinning evilly at the dwarf who was now trying to sneak passed Legolas so he could escape out the door. “It will increase Gimli’s sperm count.”

Legolas blinked as he tried to make sense of what he had just been told. ‘Sperm count? But that means…’ He growled, turning to glare at the dwarf who was trying to leave. “GIMLI!”

Gimli froze, staring longingly at the door. ‘So close. I was so close.’ Wincing, he slowly turned until he was facing his furiously lover. “Yes, my beautiful love?”

Legolas narrowed his eyes at his husband and clinched his fists. “I have been poked; I have been prodded,” he growled as he stalked forward. “I have had to endure countless humiliating tests, painful positions, and disgusting concoctions and all this time the problem was YOU?!”

Gimli gulped and tried to make himself seem as small as possible. “Legolas, my love, I… uh… I’m sorry?”

“Sorry?” Legolas repeated, pausing in his steps to stare incredulously at his husband. “Sorry?! After everything you did, all you can say is you’re sorry?!”

Gimli fidgeted, tugging nervously at his beard as he looked up at his elf. “Uh… I love you?”

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Elrond barely made it out of the room alive. Slamming the door quickly behind him, he leaned against it, willing his heart to slow and his breathing to calm. Listening to the muffled screams and crashes coming from the healing room, he mentally began planning Gimli’s funeral.

Stepping quickly away from the door as something heavy was thrown against it, he turned and ran down the hall, having just realized that has soon as Gimli had been dealt with, a very angry Mirkwood elf would be after his hide.

 

~END~